I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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