Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
