One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
