I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
