First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
