You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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