Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
