We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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