i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
