Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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