I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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