I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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