it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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