I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I have feelings that need drinking.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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