so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
