My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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