I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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