you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
