this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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