The maid of honor just puked.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
