I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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