even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
FUCK WHALES
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
