I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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