I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
