If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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