theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
