If that was your dad, he is hot
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
