I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
