I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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