the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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