apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
