when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
