seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
