And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
