i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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