everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
