...so i touched it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
