I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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