Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
