No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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