I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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