i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
