Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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