FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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