Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
