Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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