honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I did not marry a roomba.
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