I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
