you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
