yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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