Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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