Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
