When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
