I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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