the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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