Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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