I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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