The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
