1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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