i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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