his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
