Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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